FUNNY NEWS

Conversations with Daisy Pt. 3

These are actual conversations I have with our 1.5-year-old English Shepherd, Daisy. Note, I am interpreting Daisy’s barks, expressions, and intonation. But these are all true!

The Deer Hunter

(Daisy jumps up on the door)

Daisy: Get out of my yard deer!!

Daisy: I do not like this one little bit! Out!! Out!! Out!!!!

(Daisy turns to me)

Daisy: John let me out so I can drive the deer away for you!!

Me: Daisy, I don’t mind the deer. They are just looking for food.

Daisy: John, I must get them off our yard for you! I’m doing this for you!

Me: Daisy, I just told you the deer is okay.

Daisy: That’s what they want you to believe. They’re crafty! I’ll give them that!

(Daisy barks at the door)

Daisy: Out!!!! Out!!!!! Out!!!!!

Me: Admit it, you just want to chase them for you.

Daisy: Out!!!! Out!!!!!!

Me: Daisy?

Daisy: Okay, I admit I do enjoy a good deer chase.

Me: Sorry, Daisy not going to happen.

Daisy: I’m telling momma about this!!

I Couldn’t Help But Notice…

I’m sitting at my computer typing.

(Daisy walks under my desk and puts her head on my knee)

Me: Hey, Daisy.

Daisy: Hey, John. I couldn’t help but notice you’re not doing anything.

Me: Daisy, I’m working.

Daisy: Since you’re not doing anything lets throw a ball.

Me: Daisy, I’m working.

Daisy: I’m not picky. I’ll go for a walk.

Daisy: I haven’t taken you for a walk yet today.

Me: Daisy, I’m on a deadline.

Daisy: I know I can catch frisbees you throw! That’s fun for both of us!

Daisy: It will tire me out.

(Daisy gives me the sad eyes)

Me: Okay, let’s go throw a frisbee!

Daisy: Great idea! I don’t know how you think of this stuff!

A Noise…

Olga and I are sitting in the living room watching TV.

We hear a noise coming from the kitchen.

Me: Daisy, what are you doing?

Daisy: Nothing. Nothing. Stay seated nothing to see here. I’m not getting in trouble.

Daisy: Just stay where you are.

I get up and find Daisy standing on the kitchen table

Me: Daisy get down!

Daisy: Wait? What? You mean you don’t want me on the table?

Me: No, we do not.

Daisy: They why did you leave a chair for me to hop up on?

Me: Because I trusted you.

I pick her up.

Daisy licks me: Oh silly John, you are so naïve.

The New Neighbors

Daisy: John! John!! John!!!

Me: Yes, Daisy? You seem excited.

Daisy: That house! That house!! That house!!

Me: You mean the one next door?

Daisy: Yes!! Yes!!!! Yes!!!!!

Me: What’s going on?

Daisy: There are people there!! The people are not our neighbors Jim and Sue!!!!! I don’t like it.

Me: Daisy, we told you Jim and Sue moved.

Daisy: Say what now?

Me: Remember when the moving truck was there?

Daisy: Yeah I barked at them. At first.

Me: Right. But then you got used to the moving truck.

Daisy: Right…. Good point.

Me: I’m sure you’ll get used to the new neighbors. They seem very nice.

Daisy: Right! Got it! I’ll go bark at them to show them what a good guard dog I am!

Me: You do that.

The Birds! The Birds!!

Daisy barking at our bushes: Out birds out! You have no right to be in our bushes!! Out!!

Me: Daisy, leave the birds alone.

Daisy: Out birds out!! Fly away!!

Daisy runs up and down the sides of the bushes: Shoo birds shoo!! You are not welcome in MY yards!!

Me: Daisy, ignore the birds.

(Daisy is so focused she ignores me)

Daisy: Last chance birds!! Run!! Fly!!! I don’t care how you do it!! Just leave!!

Daisy: Out!!! Out!!!! Out!!!!

I blow the dog whistle to get her attention.

(Daisy ignores the whistle)

Daisy running up and down the length of the bushes: Out! Out!! Out!!! I say out!!

I blow the whistle again and again and again.

Finally Daisy notices.

(Daisy turns and runs into the house)

Daisy: John!! Why are you blowing that whistle?? It’s annoying, and I’m trying to work here!

I close the door making sure she stays in.

Me: Daisy, how about if I give you nice doggie treat instead? You’ve been working pretty hard today.

Daisy: Deal!

Um, John…

I’m sitting in my office playing an intense game of HearthStone.

(Daisy walks in anxious)

(Daisy stands by the door)

Daisy: Ah, John.

I keep playing and zoning out.

Daisy: John, I hate it when you don’t pay attention to me! John!! It’s that time of the evening.

I keep playing.

Daisy getting anxious: John, mommy is asleep. It’s you and me. I need ya bro! I don’t have fingers to turn the nob.

I keep playing.

(Daisy walks up to me. She pokes me with her paws)

Me: Daisy what is it?

Daisy: It’s 10 o’clock! I drank a lot of water. I haven’t been out in hours! You do the math!!

Me: Oh, you need to go out.

Daisy (rolls her eyes): Good job, human, good job.

Me: Sorry, Daz.

I get up and take her out.

Daisy: Mommy is right. You play that game too much.

Me: Look if you don’t mention this again there’ an extra dog treat in this for you!

Daisy: Two!

Me: Fine!

Daisy: Pleasure doing business with you John!

Potty Time

It’s night time.

It’s cold and snowy.

(Daisy and I are out waiting for her to “go potty.”)

Me: Daisy go potty!

(Daisy sniffs a spot. Thinks about going. Decides not to)

(Daisy moves to another spot)

Me: Daisy go POTTY!

(Daisy sniffs the new spot, then moves on to another spot)

Me: Daisy, I’m freezing my butt off. Go potty.

(Daisy sniffs another spot)

Me: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! GO POTTY! PLEASE.

(Daisy goes potty)

Daisy: See that wasn’t so hard now! Was it!

Momma Road Trip

Daisy sitting by the side door at night.

Daisy: John, where’s momma? It’s getting late.

Me: Daisy she is on a job trip to Spain.

Daisy: Say what now?

Me: She’s in Spain for a week.

Daisy: Wait, why didn’t anybody clear this with me?

Me: Sorry Daisy. Mommy’s a big professor and sometimes has to travel all over the world sharing knowledge.

Daisy: So, ah, it’s just you and me? For like a week?

Me: Yep, afraid so.

Daisy: Next time I expect to be consulted on this!

Company!

My assistant and her friend show up to give Daisy an extra walk.

Daisy very excited at the door: Poppa! Poppa!! There are people at the door! There are people at the door!!!

Daisy: It’s my cousin Tayah and some tall human!! It’s not just you and me now! I love them!! I love them!

Daisy jumping at the door: Let them in!! LET THEM IN!

I open the door.

(Daisy runs circles around them)

Tayah: Daisy you ready for a walk?

Daisy tail wagging: OMG yes!! I am SOOO BORED with just poppa here.

Daisy turns to me: Nothing personal.

Me: No I get it.

Wait Come Back!

Daisy, my assistant, and her friend come back after their walk.

Me: Daisy, did you have a nice walk!

Daisy tail wagging: Yes, yes! I loved it!

Tayah: Well, we’ll see you tomorrow, Daisy.

Daisy: Wait… What?

Tayah and her friend leave.

(Daisy darts to the door)

Daisy: Wait! Come back! Take me with you! Please!!

Me: They’ll be back tomorrow.

Daisy: But that’s like a week in dog time!

Lunch!

I’m sitting at my desk eating lunch.

(Daisy walks under my desk and puts her head on my leg)

Daisy: You’re planning on sharing that sandwich with me now.

Daisy: Right, Buddy?