These are actual conversations I have with our 1.5-year-old English Shepherd, Daisy. Note, I am interpreting Daisy’s barks, expressions, and intonation. But these are all true!
(I’m sitting at my desk writing away)
(Daisy pops up under my desk and gets in my lap)
Daisy: Hey, daddy, I love you!
(I pet her)
Me: Ah, Daisy you’re a good girl.
Daisy: Thanks, you may continue to pet me.
(I keep petting)
Daisy: I could tell you needed a little encouragement.
Me: Thanks Daisy.
(I keep petting)
(Daisy grabs a napkin on my desk and runs off)
Me: Daisy, were you after that napkin all along?
Daisy: Just think of it as my fee!
(I’m doing a plank – albeit not a good one)
(I relax and drop to the ground to do some push ups)
(Daisy walks over and sits on my head)
Me: Ah, Daisy?
Daisy: Yes, human?
Me: You are sitting on my head.
Me: Ah any good reason?
Daisy: It seemed like the thing to do.
Daisy: It’s kind of comfy.
Me: Not for me…
Daisy: You sure? I’m warming you up!
Me: I don’t need to be warmed up. I’ve been exercising.
(Daisy rolls over my head)
Daisy: Fine. I’ll go find mommy she appreciates me more!
Momma Don’t Leave
(My wife walking out the door to go to work)
(Daisy grabs her feet and holds on for dear life)
Daisy: Momma! Don’t go! Don’t go!!
Daisy: It’s so boring here with just papa. He sits at his computer and (air quotes) writes.
(My wife keeps walking)
Daisy: Come on momma, stay!
Daisy: You know you want to!! Working is tiring!!
Daisy: Daisy is fun! I love you more than work does!!
Daisy: I bring you joy!
(My wife opens the door)
(Daisy releases her)
Daisy: By momma, love you. I’ll be here when you get back!
(Daisy walks over to me and sighs)
Daisy: Looks like it’s just you and me human.
Daisy: When does my pet boy come home from college?
(Daisy is sitting head in my lap as we watch the news)
Daisy: Is it me or is this news depressing?
Me: It’s not you.
Daisy: It seems to me you humans don’t communicate well with each other.
Daisy: See with dogs it’s better… We look at each other and sniff each other’s butts.
Daisy: Then we know exactly where we all stand.
Me: Yes, dogs are wise.
Daisy: Maybe people sniff butts?
Me: I don’t think so, Daisy.
Daisy: Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
(Daisy puts her head back on lap and goes to sleep)
The Mailman One
Daisy (upset): The mailman!!
Daisy (upset): The mailman he’s coming to the door!!!
Daisy (jumps at the door): Mailman! Mailman!! Mailman!!!
Me (to Mailman): She’s actually very friendly.
(Mailman just looks at me like, sure…)
Daisy: Mailman!!! Mailman!!! Mailman!!!!
Daisy: Let me go John so I can greet him.
Me: Ah, no!!
Daisy: John!! He’s leaving!!! Let me go!!!
(Mailman gets in the truck and drives off)
Daisy: Bummer he’s gone. I wanted to play with him!
Me: But Daisy, honey, you seemed so angry!
Daisy: That’s cause he never brings me anything!
The Mailman two
Daisy (excited): It’s the mailman!!!
Daisy (looking): Oh, it’s the substitute!!! I love this guy!!
Mailman: Daisy!! How you doing?
(Daisy runs and gets a frisbee)
(Daisy brings him the frisbee)
Daisy: Throw me the frisbee! Please!! Please!!!
Me: Daisy, the mailman has to work. You know their motto: neither rain or snow or sleet or hail!!
Daisy: Nothing about frisbees there, John.
Daisy drops the frisbee at the mailman’s feet: “Let’s play!”
(Daisy and I are out throwing frisbee)
(Daisy hears the mailtruck)
Daisy: Up!! Up!! Be alert the mailman is coming!!
(Daisy stops and turns to the truck)
Daisy: Hey, John is it me or does the mailman look different?
Me: That’s cause this is a mail woman!
Daisy: Right! I knew that!
Me (to Maillady): Daisy gets a little excited.
Daisy jumps up and down: Hi maillady! Hi! I’m Daisy!!
Maillady: You seem like a good puppy!
Daisy: I am! Don’t believe a word this guy I’m with says.
(The maillady gives me the mail, she pets Daisy and walks away)
Daisy: I like her! She reminds me of me!
(Daisy sees a dog on TV)
(Her tail starts to wag)
(The dog on TV barks)
Daisy (angry): Hey why is that dog barking at me!
Daisy (angrier): Hey! Dog!! Stop barking!! You are a guest in my house!
(Daisy nudges me)
Daisy: Hey papa, why there another dog barking at me in my house?
Me: Daisy, the dog isn’t really here. That’s just an image on TV.
Daisy: Oh right. I knew that. Just making sure you knew.
Oh Deer Again
(Daisy jumping at the door and barking)
Daisy: Let me out!! Let me out!!!
Me: Daisy, honey, be calm!.
Daisy: I can’t! I can’t!! There are like a billion deer in the yard.
Me: Really Daisy? A billion!!
(Daisy jumps at the door barking)
Daisy: Man! I wish I had opposable thumbs!! I’d teach those deer a lesson!
Me: Daisy, the deer are harmless.
Daisy looks at me and rolls her eyes: Don’t be a sucker human, that’s what they want ya to think.
(Daisy goes back to barking at the door)
(I’m sitting in my office and Daisy comes in, head down)
(Daisy comes up and rubs against my legs)
Daisy: Ah, hi papa.
Me: Hey Daisy. What’s up girl?
Daisy (looking away): Ah, nothing. Not much. I’m cool.
Daisy: Can I hang out with you?
Me: Sure, but Mama home you love Mama.
Daisy: True dat. But…
(Olga pops into my office, she has two scratches on her cheek)
Olga: Somebody needs to get her nails clipped.
Daisy: In my defense I was just trying to get your attention.
Daisy: The garbagemen are here!! The garbagemen are here!!
Daisy: Human! Human!! Let me out!! I must bark at the garbagemen!!
Me: Daisy must you always yell at the garbagemen?
Daisy: Human, have we just met?
Me: Good, point. Carry on.
Daisy (runs to the window): Get you big noisy truck off of my street now!!!
Me: Hey Daisy let’s go for a ride!
Daisy: I love rides! I love rides!
(I open the hatchback and Daisy jumps in)
(I move to the front of the car and get in)
Daisy: Where we going?
Me: For a ride.
Daisy: Yeah, we’ve established that. But where?
Me: No place in particular….
Daisy: Okay, I just sit back and look out the window.
(We drove for a few minutes)
(I pull the car into a parking lot)
Daisy (turning around): Why’d we… Hey! I know this place!! This is the guy that gives me shots!!
Me: About that…
(I get out of the car)
(I open the hatch)
Me: It’s time for another of those shots.
(Daisy looks at me)
Me: Is that going to be an issue.
(Daisy jumps out of the car)
Daisy: No, I’m cool. This place has a lot of good smell!
Me: Then why are you angry at me?
(Daisy and I start walking to the vets)
Daisy: I don’t appreciate being lied too. I’m tough I don’t mind a shot or two.
Me: My bad. It won’t happen again.
John Zakour is a freelance humor writer with a master’s in human behavior. He’s written dozens off novels, comics for the Simpsons and Rugrats and optioned TV shows. He writes for Mad and publishes a novel a month. John lives in upstate NY with his wife a professor at Cornell University. The two of them have one son, a powerlifting law student at UB. For exercise, John is a senior powerlifter, occasional competitive pickleball player and he was a black belt and still hits his punching bag daily. Daisy has taught him to throw frisbees quite far. Friend him on facebook he’s friendly.
Daisy Zakour is a one and half-year-old English Shepherd born in way upstate NY. For fun, she likes to chase frisbees and balls and bark at squirrels and deer.